The 11 Most Unwieldy Video Game Weapons
Not all video game weapons are created equal, folks. Especially these 11 Most Unwieldy Video Game Weapons. Sure, there are plenty of sleek items which seem both stylish and usable, like Link’s Master Sword or Assassin’s Creed’s deadly hidden blades, but for every one video game weapon that would actually work in real life there are a dozen which don’t. Part of the fun of video games is that they’re unreal, and have the freedom to do whatever they want to make sure the game is as engaging as possible for the player. So it’s fine to wander away from the strict rules of reality. This list of the 11 Most Unwieldy Video Game Weapons isn’t a condemnation, but a celebration of how over-the-top and ridiculously awesome these armaments are.
Barrel of Oil - (Street Fighter IV)
All right, so Hakan may not directly use his barrel of oil in battle, but he does carry it around with him wherever he goes, and oiling up provides him with a nice shine and a combat advantage.
Folding Chair - (Persona 4 Arena)
It probably hurts to get clunked over the head with a folding chair, but when you’re facing off against people with swords, guns, and magically-charged decks of tarot cards it just seems like a terrible choice.
Lightsaber - (Mega Man X)
Even if you don’t stop to think about the physics-defying properties of a laser sword whose laser blade protrudes from the handle and then stops in mid-air, there’s still the fact that a huge, semi-shapeshifting, burning blade like this would lead to more than a few accidentally severed fingers and hands.
Nevan - (Devil May Cry 3)
Nevan looks badass, and rocks like crazy, but a scythe/magical electric guitar filled with bats probably isn’t the most easily-wielded of weapons.
Keyblade - (Kingdom Hearts)
A giant key that’s also a blade? Why not cut out the middle man and get yourself an actual blade? Keep the keys on your ring, where they belong.
Soul Edge - (Soul Calibur series)
Soul Edge is just too dang big and too dang evil to be a viable weapon for anyone who isn’t a demonic suit of armor.
The Gunblade - (Final Fantasy VIII)
Here we have a sword that comes with a mechanism requiring you to pull its trigger while attacking in order to vibrate the blade for extra damage. Makes sense.
Land Shark Gun - (Armed and Dangerous)
It’s a gun that shoots land sharks. If you need us to explain why this isn’t a realistic or especially viable way of dispatching your foes, well, you need some more schoolin’.
Paddle-saw - (Dead Rising 2)
As awesome as it would be to wield this giant, crazy pile of blades and chains, it just doesn’t seem like a paddle-saw would work very well. At best you’d cut through a couple of things and then get hung up on something. At worst you’d get hung up immediately.
Mr. Toots - (Red Faction: Armageddon)
Regarding Mr. Toots, the unicorn who farts rainbows of death, we direct you back to our entry on the Land Shark Gun.
The Buster Sword - (Final Fantasy VII)
Ahh, the daddy of all unrealistic and unwieldy video game weapons. Oversized armaments have become quite a thing in video games over the last 15 years, but Cloud Strife’s thick, gigantic, utterly overcompensating blade somehow stuck in everyone’s memory as the most unusably large weapon in video game history.