Drive Review

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Drive, by Dwayne Blundell, is the latest racing game to hit the iOS store. Well, I say "racing," but it's more like a driving simulation since no actual racing is involved. Wait, strike that. If I think about it some more, it's less of a driving simulation and more of a lesson in how to make a crappy, over-priced game. Ladies and gentlemen, get ready to check out my review of the worst iOS game I have ever played.

The word "terrible" is too nice of an adjective to use for Drive. After playing through it and trying to find any redeeming quality, I can safely say that Drive is a soulless cash grab that's being sold for $3.99 on the App Store yet features only about $0.05 worth of playability and fun. In fact, Drive's description reads, "3 cards, 8 locations. Pedals on the right, gears on the left, tilt to steer. Driver view." That's it. Inspires a lot of confidence right off the bat, doesn't it?

Dear reader, please be glad that I slogged through this poor excuse of a game so that you don't have to suffer the same fate and be subjected to excruciatingly long load times, wonky controls, late '90s-era graphics and a fun factor of zero.

You start off Drive by braving a 20+ second-long loading screen to pick one of three cars. What make and model these cars are, we don't know. But hey, there's a hatchback, an old muscle car {obviously a Mustang. Damn kids don't know anything about cars. —Ed.} and some sort of newfangled Dodge Charger-esque beast. Once you pick a car, you can take it out to one of eight different locales.

The game calls them "locales," but you might as well be driving through a Windows '95 3D screensaver. The graphics are so terribad that you'll wonder how anyone ever got Drive through the approval process for the App Store. You play in a first person point-of-view, plopped down in the driver seat. You can't look around, so forget about using your peripheral vision to get a feel for your surroundings. Even if you could, it wouldn't be worth it since trees look like cardboard and the rocks look like sponges. Honestly, Drive would have been better as one of those old school toys in which you turn a crank to scroll through a "road" while your vehicle remains stationary.

As the App Store description so succinctly said, "Pedals on the right, gears on the left, tilt to steer." Those are the controls. Good luck getting anywhere after you spin out upon hitting a patch of elevated land.

Drive isn't so much a game as it is one of those endurance challenges. You know, the ones that task you with listening to an annoying song on loop for 10 hours straight or seeing how many sad YouTube videos it'll take for you to start crying. I guess the challenge here is, "how much of Drive can you play before you set fire to both yourself and your iOS device in a fit of rage."

This travesty of a game is being sold for $3.99. Go grab a cup of overpriced coffee instead. You'll still get ripped off, but at least you'll have more fun and actually feel something other than seething anger.

 

App Store Link: Drive for iPhone & iPad | By Dwayne Blundell | Price: $3.99 | Version: 1.1 | 101 MB | Rating 4+

.5 out of 10 arcade sushi rating

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