10 Popular Characters with Stupid BackstoriesAngelo Dargenio |
Just because a character is popular doesn't mean that they are well-written. This is why we created this list of 10 Popular Characters with Stupid Backstories. Some of our favorite heroes and icons sound like someone's horrible acid dream when you step back and really consider them. Maybe that just makes them even cooler. These are the top 10 most popular video game characters with stupid backstories.
Oh, and because of the nature of backstories, you can bet that there might be some SPOILERS AHEAD.
Sonic is either a member of a freedom fighting resistance group of furries fighting against a fat, evil scientist, a strange failed experiment involving a hamster wheel and running sneakers, a member of a rock band in a post-apocalyptic world or a giant blue rodent walking around in a world otherwise inhabited by humans. All of these backstories are enough to get him on our stupid backstories list.
Caution, SPOILERS AHEAD! OK, so Booker DeWitt was baptized and then became Father Comstock, but then in another timeline, didn’t go through with the baptism and stayed Booker DeWitt. However, it didn’t matter if Comstock was killed because an infinite amount of Comstocks exist in an infinite amount of timelines which will always come back in time to get Booker to sell his daughter to him. So the only way to prevent this was to kill Booker when the baptism happened, which prevented both Comstock and Booker from existing in any way. Except, if the game is about choice, there is already an infinite amount of dead Bookers, dead Comstocks, and non-dead Bookers and Comstocks because each choice splits the timeline. So, essentially the entire game is a moot point because the surviving Comstocks will go back in time to kidnap Booker’s daughter anyway in any timeline, even the ones in which Comstock is dead. Who would have thought time-travel could be so complicated!
Kratos is actually just one huge example of poor problem-solving skills. He was Ares’s greatest warrior -- and then Ares decided to kill his family for no good reason. Then Kratos kills Ares and tries to kill himself for no good reason. Then he ascends to godhood for no good reason. Then Zeus betrays him for no good reason. Then he throws a temper tantrum and kills every single god in existence... FOR NO GOOD REASON! Geez, you think if Ares just let him keep slaughtering innocents the whole time, we could have avoided all this.
So Jenova is a big evil space alien who is the sworn enemy of the Ancients. It has weird, vague powers and wants to destroy the Earth, for some reason. Then Sephiroth realizes that he is made of Jenova, goes crazy and then tries to destroy the world out of pure angst. However, he then splits the remnants in his body up into three other dudes who then fuse with a severed Jenova head to become Sephiroth again? When did he get that power? Did merging with Jenova just give him the ability to do whatever the heck he wants off-screen?
It’s your 10th birthday. What do you want as a present? A bike? A game console? How about an electric god mouse that could kill you if it gets upset! Now go outside and get into fights with other random god animals that will try to kill you if they make eye contact with you. Oh, and be sure to talk to every stranger you meet and fight his god monsters too, because if you lose he will mug you and steal your money. Fantastic parenting!
I’m not even sure I can explain why Solid Snake gets onto the stupid backstories list. He’s like, a clone or something. Except he thinks he’s the good clone but actually he’s a defective clone and it makes him age fast. Also, his personality is trapped in his genetics so when his brother Liquid’s arm gets cut off and attached to another guy his personality survives. He’s also a secret weapon but is vulnerable to a specific mind virus and he fights against giant mechs and psychic albinos and… Hideo Kojima is either a mad genius or just trolling us at this point.
According to Nintendo, all of the Legend of Zeldas are actually connected to each other. They all take place in the same universe on the same planet. That means, all the Links are real people, all with the same name, and style of dress, and weapons preference. It’s a tale that repeats itself through the ages, which is really just Nintendo speak for “if you keep buying the same game over and over again, we will keep making the same game over and over again.”
OK, let’s see if I can get this straight. Sora’s Nobody is Roxas who is actually a remnant of Ventus who was a warrior that fought against Xehanort; not the Xehanort that was previously known as Ansem. That was a fusion of Terra and the original Xehanort. Then that fusion got amnesia which caused Xehanort to help the real Ansem with Heartless experiments which split the new Xehanort who is not Ansem into Xemnas, who is another Nobody, and Ansem -- the other Ansem -- you know what? I don’t care. Let’s just watch Mickey Mouse stabbing shadow monsters and call it a day.
Alright, so I have this idea for a story. It’s an orphan girl who is raised by space chickens to use special space chicken armor. The armor lets her shoot things with a gun hand and… roll into a ball, I guess. Oh, and she fights a gigantic space dragon that rules over space pirates. But that’s not the real threat; the real threat is space jellyfish! First fic. Plz Review!
Alright, I know that there are going to be a bunch of people out there screaming about what sacrilege it is to put Mario on this list. But think about it! He’s an Italian plumber from Brooklyn that accidentally slides down a magical pipe into a kingdom filled with mushroom people. OK, if you don’t believe the Super Mario Bros. Super Show origin, he’s still one of the only human beings in a world that is pretty much devoid of them. Aside from Luigi, Princess Peach and a couple other friends that throw parties with them, they are the last bastions of humanity in a world filled with chaos and anthropomorphic havoc. Also he plays dress up to get super powers.