3D Cartoon Land: Safari Review

Before we started this website my boss asked me if we would need a 0.0/10 graphic for our ratings system. I remember telling him that there's no way a game could ever score that low. Good to know there's a developer out there happy to prove me wrong.

3D Cartoon Land: Safari is a 3D world that suspiciously looks similar to another 3D world with a guy who wears red and blue overalls and stomps on turtles and mushrooms. Except that game is really, really good and this game is really, really crappy.

Guide your faux guido through the plain, boring world of Whatever. I don't know what it's called, so Whatever it is. Move him with your left thumb and jump with your right. Doesn't matter where you press to jump, so have at it. After a few minutes you'll be punching your iPhone instead of tapping it anyway. 3D Cartoon Land: Safari was developed by Jiang Zhi, who is living proof that you can crap code, give it a name, and Apple will put it in their App Store.

Someone owes me a dollar. And that someone is Jiang Zhi.

Graphics look like something a blind child with no fingers would put together. The "world" is about as vibrant as a dryer sheet with boring primary colors over a boring blue sky. Our hero collects coins (for what I have no idea), stomps on creatures and jumps around until he reaches the flag at the end of each level. Because the graphics are so bad, and because there's no real way to accurately see where you're supposed to guide your character when you jump from one platform to another, you'll die. A lot. And when you lose a life, you have the pleasure of starting the world all over again. My favorite part in the game is when I walked behind a tree and died because there was a monster there that you couldn't see. Loved that part! You have a tiny shadow to help you gauge where to land, but that's about as helpful as a replacement ref in the NFL.

Cool tree, bro.

Here is a list of what passes as "features" for this game in the App Store:

Features:
- Simple but skillfull
- Items
- Incredibly fun,just one more time,endless game play
- Very fast gameplay
- Suitable for both young and old
- Auto save
- Retina display

I'm not correcting his comma placement either. Let's break each of these down, shall we?

- Simple but skillful: If by simple you mean stupid and skillful you mean deaf audio engineer, then I agree.

- Items: What items? Those things you call trees? Or when I hit a block and a propeller replaced my head?

- Incredibly fun,just one more time,endless game play: You must be a blast at house parties, sir.

- Very fast gameplay: For Rainman.

- Suitable for both young and old: If you hate children and old people, then this makes sense.

- Auto save: Is there an auto delete?

- Retina display: At least he spelled 'retina' correctly.

Almost forgot to mention -- there are no sound effects in the game. Just some strange piano music that doesn't belong. Just make "boing" noises as you play. It'll probably sound better then whatever this fool could have come up with.

Yay! Is this the end of the game? Aw crap, there's more?

The only reason I'm writing this review is because I want to make sure no one else gives their money to this hack. Or to Apple for even accepting it. 3D Cartoon Land: Safari should be used as the selling point in giving gamers a Refund button in the App Store. I think it's time to email my boss and tell him I want that 0.0/10 graphic. Jiang Zhi and his crap clone don't deserve this high of a rating. Nintendo shouldn't demand Apple remove it because it's a Mario clone, they should demand they remove it because it sucks.

App Store Link: 3D Cartoon Land: Safari for iPhone | By Jiang Zhi | Price: $0.99 too much | Version: Crap.0.1 | Too Many MB | Rating Idiotic+