Worst Games of 2013
Even though we’re doing a list of the Worst Games of 2013, this year has already been a phenomenal one for video games. We’ve seen the gritty rebirth of Tomb Raider and had our minds blown to bits by Bioshock Infinite. But, it hasn’t been perfect. Many titles released this year have sadly missed the bar. Well, by miss the bar we mean they clanked their head on it and knocked themselves out. Whether they are misunderstood or cheap grabs at tie-in money they are all pretty awful. For your enjoyment (and avoidance), here’s our list of the Worst Games of 2013.
Brothers A Tale of Two Sons
Want to play a pretty puzzle game that was so glitchy upon release you couldn't finish it? Well, your dreams have come true! Brothers kicks off our list of the Worst Games of 2013. Nice job, guys.
Little Luna, what happened? You run on the Unreal 3 engine, you have decent graphics and good music, yet YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING. All we do is watch you walk really, really slow and step on switches. We don't know why, because there's no storyline to speak of. You're like a demo that escaped her programmers and made her way into the App Store. Hopefully someone captures you and returns you to your owners so they can fix you.
This boring adventure game with sub par graphics, a snoozer storyline and gameplay had a lot of backtracking. So much so, that halfway through the game you'd wish you could backtrack in time and never buy it.
Time and Eternity
Straight from our review: "Time and Eternity is the prime example of a game with an engaging design concept that bumbles the execution. It’s a combination of poor writing, bland characters, unforgivable design choices, and boring gameplay." Pretty sure you don't need us to tell you any more than that.
The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct
It is incredible that a franchise could make such a huge step forward in video game storytelling, turn around, shoot themselves in the other foot, and limp like its undead subject. The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct had some huge shoes to fill in the wake of the Telltale game’s success. But, it squanders any goodwill it may have earned from its name by having horridly unimaginative gameplay. It doesn’t expound on any themes of survival and is simply another excuse to shoot zombies. And to be honest, we’re getting a bit sick of putting those brain munchers back in the grave.
It's not that this game is really ugly or unplayable. It's just that it's so boring, watching water boil would actually give you more pleasure than trying to play this soulless piece of iOS crap.
Omerta: City of Gangsters
The premise sounds good. A strategy game revolving around prohibition booze running and organized crime. Omerta drops the ball and never lives up to what it could have been. There are tons of control issues and the game is plagued by moronic A.I. But, what does this all add up to? A game that may bore you to tears. There are missions where you have to collect rent from apartments. If we wanted to do work, we wouldn’t be playing video games.
How could an erotic game make it onto our list? Quite easily in fact. Developed by some people that worked on the Killzone games, Seduce Me is a smattering of erotic artwork with a veneer of gameplay in the form of mini-games. Are the mini-games fun retro-ripoffs like Leisure Suit Larry? Nope, it’s a card game that none of us have played before and would never care to again. Yes, it is an erotic game. An utterly unsatisfying erotic game.
Let's Fish: Hooked On
Did you ever wonder what you would get if you mashed together some anime characters with Sega Bass Masters? Yeah, we’ve never wondered either, but somehow Let’s Fish! Hooked On was released for the Vita. Now, a repetitive fishing game for a handheld platform doesn’t seem like a very bad idea (just look at the App Store). But, when you toss out any sense of logic or strategy, you end up with a frustrating and boring game that no one will want to play. Nothing is explained as to which lure you should use or where you should cast. Fortunately, we know exactly where to cast this game, which is why it belongs on our list of the Worst Games of 2013.
You’d think to yourself that a game with “Chrono” in the title would be absolutely great, but you would be wrong. Very wrong. First of all, it is a ball rolling game that doesn’t involve a monkey inside it. Second, Chronovolt suffers from finicky controls, a shoehorned plot, needless accelerometer gimmicks, and generally lackluster graphics. Critical consensus has deemed it to be as enjoyable as a bowling ball to the foot. It is a game best forgotten as soon as it is mentioned. That being said, what were we talking about?
The Croods: Prehistoric Party
Let’s be honest, Goldeneye set the bar for movie tie-in games and has yet to be usurped from its throne. The Croods is another game that was thrown together as a companion to a far better film. The controls in The Croods are unfathomable, the graphics are sub-par at best, and and half of the time is spent watching computer characters run around without any control by you. It is, like so many tie-in games, a hand grasping for your wallet.
Final Fantasy: All the Bravest
Is this the worst Final Fantasy ever made? Yes. Yes it is. Bringing shame to the Final Fantasy series, to RPGs, to the App Store, to fans, and even to Japan itself, All the Bravest is cash grab crap. Even if you LOVE the Final Fantasy games and characters, avoid this one at all costs.
Fist of the North Star: Ken's Rage 2
When a game promises you hoards of enemies to fight off single handedly, that is usually cause to get excited. There will be huge combos, insane special moves, and tons of bodies flying every which way in a melee fight to end all fights. But, this game has none of that. The animation is stilted and boring. Even Mario has more of a variety in his attack options. Listen Ken, leave this stuff to Dynasty Warriors, they know what they’re doing.
Aliens: Colonial Marines
The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Aliens: Colonial Marines cause one hell of a stir within the gaming community. Some people defended the title, while others cast it into the rubbish heap alongside the other games on our list. But, when the dust settled, Aliens: Colonial Marines will live out the rest of its days in infamy. The graphics look more at home in the year 2000 and the machine guns sounded like popcorn was being popped. Most of all, it was a disappointment. We were promised the world, but had acid for blood thrown in our faces.
Surprised to find a sports game at the top of our list of the Worst Games of 2013? Well, you shouldn’t be. Year after year these games have been stamped out with less and less changes. This year, MLB 2K13 is the worst offender. It has barely changed a thing from its predecessors. The graphics have more than a few glitches, online league play has been removed, and the character animations look like they’ve never played baseball before. It is almost offensive to think that a repackage of last year’s game would be worthy of America’s greatest pastime.