10 Painfully Awkward Sex Scenes in Video Games

The Leisure Suit Larry series is a point and click adventure game series specifically about getting laid, and getting laid awkwardly. Between a cashier calling out your condom order, to slipping a receptionist Spanish fly, everything in this series screams awkwardness. Even the final scene in the original Sierra game literally has the Sierra CEO walk out and pimp other Leisure Suit Larry titles mid-coitus. That’s what got this on our list of 10 Painfully Awkward Sex Scenes in Video Games.

Horrible metal headed monster raping mannequins? We think that counts as awkward… if not completely and utterly horrifying. This sex scene was meant to cause unease in the gamer and it worked. In a way, this is what made Pyramid Head a household name for horror gamers.

Think about it. This was supposed to be hot. A flesh toned pixelated cowboy dodging arrows and raping a Native American woman on the Atari 2600 was supposed to be arousing. People were screwed up in the '80s. Maybe it’s just us, but this pixelated jackhammer of a sex scene isn’t arousing in the least.

It’s actually a little disturbing how often we needed to use the word “rape” in this list so far. While Custer’s Revenge was supposed to be sexy and Silent Hill was supposed to be horrifying and symbolic, the SIE sex scene in Alpha Protocol is just straight up rape. You are tied down and a threatening German girl with big guns has her way with you. Yep. Some people call this a fantasy but we frankly think it’s kind of terrifying. This probably isn’t the proper way to treat a prisoner of war.

We will be honest here, some of the sex scene possibilities in the Mass Effect series are kind of hot. Liara is a looker even with the blue skin and head ridges. But Garrus? What does he even have down there? How do you even kiss that spikey face? It’s probably better to leave some of the finer details to the imagination.

Frankly, sex in any Quantic Dream game is pretty awkward. The fact that they have two games on this list is a testament to that. But the sex in Heavy Rain was particularly awkward, if only because your character, Ethan, is a total wreck. His ribs are broken, his body is bandaged, and he even might be missing a finger at that point! We aren’t sure how he could have sex in the condition he was in without reopening his wounds and losing gallons of blood. That’s why this gets to be on our list of 10 Painfully Awkward Sex Scenes in Video Games.

This is the sex scene that kicked off the video game sex controversy days and… honestly it’s not that impressive. The blocky polygonal models kind of look like two LEGO people rubbing together. The awkward quick time event style controls give the characters as much finesse as a rocking horse leaning on a pile of sandbags. Honestly, this scene is kind of creepy. It’s almost robotic in nature. This couldn’t be used as a “sex simulator” for anyone’s child provided that that child isn’t a sentient toaster in disguise.

There is nothing sexy about sex in The Sims. Granted, it’s a necessary part of procreation, but that’s about all it is. People hacked the game to take out the blurring and sensor bars and covers and it still looked like two skin bags having seizures on top of each other. Then hackers created “realistic sex animation packs” for the game and these too barely looked like anything resembling a sexual encounter.

What’s the sexiest thing in the world? A white guy with a guitar! Jason Mraz taught us that. But before our current string of white douchebags with acoustics were crooning their hearts out to young impressionable women, Indigo Prophecy taught us that playing a bitchin' guitar solo will always get you laid. Succeed in this quick time event and what do you get? More polygonal models awkwardly rubbing against each other. Joy…

Finally we have the king of our list of 10 Painfully Awkward Sex Scenes in Video Games, or should we say the God. Kratos loved to sex up anything he didn’t kill… and that’s a very limited list of things. Remember, Kratos killed every mortal, mythological creature, god, and titan in greek mythology until quite literally nothing was left but an endless black voice. Perhaps the only way to save yourself from Kratos’s wrath was to have a bangin’ rack and a stripper outfit. Of course, then you have to suffer through a quick time event where the camera looks away while unenthused voice actresses moaned in the background. “Rotate the left stick clockwise!” Yep, that’s what sex is like.