10 Cutesy Games That Are Really Terrifying
In celebration of October and Halloween, we have decided to look at 10 Cutesy Games That Are Really Terrifying. No, we aren’t talking about the Resident Evils or Silent Hills that have been staples of this time of year. We are talking about the games that everyone seems to love, but are actually pretty screwed up when you think about them. They’re rated E for Everyone, but if they were realistically presented they would be M for Mature or worse. These games have instances of cannibalism, slavery, death, and defilement of the dead. You’ve been warned! These 10 Cutesy Games That Are Really Terrifying are worse than the worst nightmare or acid trip.
Interesting puzzle game or horrific death march!? Think about it. The Lemmings are living, breathing, and thinking creatures that are listening to commands from some sort of nigh omnipotent being from outside their world. These commands usually amount to several of The Lemmings dying and then the rest of The Lemmings walking over the corpses of their fallen brethren in order to get to a goal. Where are they trying to get to? Why do they want to get there? No one knows. All we know is The Lemmings never… ever… stop walking. That’s why this game comes in at #10 on our list of 10 Cutesy Games That Are Really Terrifying.
Super Monkey Ball
Ai Ai, the main character of Super Monkey Ball, is trapped within a giant glass ball perched precariously on a floating platform thousands of miles above the ground. His two choices are A) safety navigate a sadistic obstacle course to an exit, only to do it all over again, or B) plummet into the deep unknown, likely to his death. Of course, that choice is really a lie. You see it’s not Ai Ai that moves in Super Monkey Ball, it’s the stage. You tilt it left and right trying to guide Ai Ai to the goal. This actually means that Ai Ai is powerless to control his fate. The world around him will just tilt as it chooses and if it chooses to send him to his doom as a splatter on the hard pavement below, so be it.
Pac-Man is trapped in a series of dark corridors, picking up whatever scraps of food he can to survive. That alone would be terrifying, but our yellow protagonist is also hounded by the vengeful spirits of the dead. If that isn’t scary enough, know that Pac-Man is forever destined to replay his horrible fate, ending up in the exact same dark alleys with the exact same ghosts, over, and over, and over again. Yet, the ghosts become more and more relentless, attempting to add Pac-Man to their undead ranks. Pac-Man is a game that was designed to always end in death.
Like an acid dream for a fast food cook, Burger Time twists our relatively tame food service industry into a nightmare of hellish proportions. Hot dogs, eggs, and other food items have grown to human size, and they hunger for your flesh as you have hungered for theirs. You must navigate a labyrinth of ladders and large burger parts, attempting to trap the mutant food by crushing them inside burger tombs, and as always was the case in early arcade games, your torment never ends. You must simply continue to navigate more complex labyrinths, with more mutant food, and more burger parts, until the end of time.
Katamari Damacy isn’t really terrifying for the Prince of the Cosmos. It’s terrifying for the human race. What starts as a tiny little ball eventually grows to begin consuming everything. Pets, loved ones, cars, even entire islands, none is spared when they cross the Katamari’s path. They are all rolled up and offered to a primordial cosmic being, who then sends them off to the far reaches of the galaxy, lighting them on fire to serve as makeshift stars after his own drunken negligence shattered the night sky. The final ending of this game leaves Earth nothing but a barren water planet, as the Katamari has devoured all life and civilization as we know it. You cannot outrun it. One day, the Katamari will come for you.
There are so many things about Pikmin that are terrifying. Being stranded on an overgrown jungle planet filled with giant insects and carnivorous plantlife is just the start of it. Think about what you are doing for a second. You are exploiting an entire species of sentient beings for your own profit! You are literally breeding Pikmin, only so that they can die in service to you. How many innocent plant folk have you fed to giant carnivorous strawberries? Perhaps the real monster in Pikmin, is Olimar. It’s a Twilight Zone style twist that gets Pikmin in at #5 on our list of 10 Cutesy Games That Are Really Terrifying.
Speaking of games that have you exploiting creatures for personal game, Pokemon allows you to exploit animals, people, and even gods for your own fun and profit. Think about this, there are Pokemon who used to be human but turn into Pokemon after they died, and you make them fight each other in the afterlife! There are Pokemon that were smart enough to start wars with humanity and win, and yet you subjugate them and make them do tricks for you. You can even capture the ancient gods that created the universe, representative of all that is and all that is not, and you put them in little balls on your belt! All Pokemon are sentient, and yet they are canonically eaten as food in the Pokemon universe. It’s blasphemy, slavery, and cannibalism all at once!
Dig Dug is, quite literally, a game about horrible subterranean monsters lurking below the earth’s crust. You must descend into the darkness in order to confront these monsters, keeping the human race safe. Unfortunately, these monsters are protected with a hard outer shell, so the only real way to defeat them is to cause them to explode from the inside out due to air pressure with a special pump gun. Just try to imagine a dragon’s stomach exploding into a shower of blood and gore, even as he tries to roast you alive.
Let’s recount some of the things that have tried to kill Mario in the past few years: walking mushrooms, giant squids, killer bees, sphinxes, aliens, bizarre parallel versions of himself, dragons, giant apes, ghosts, skeletons, fire breathing turtles, non-fire breathing turtles, turtles that chuck hammers, turtles that throw sporting equipment, sentient cactuses, sharks, ravens, bats, beetles, living flame, animated iron balls and chains with teeth, animated bombs, mask wearing cultists, living bullets, snakes, a detached eagle head, the sun, angry caterpillars, angry stone blocks, strange lava beings, carnivorous plants, moles, evil versions of princess peach, cloud riding fisherman throwing spike turtle dinosaurs as projectiles, transvestite egg spiting lizards, giant swords that fall from the heavens, and nearly every variety of falling ceiling, crushing wall, spike, and bottomless pit! … Terrified yet!?
Finally, we have #1 on our list of 10 Cutesy Games that Are Really Terrifying -- the Kirby series. Take a look at a Kirby level. Is anyone angry? Is anyone attacking you? No. These nice cuddly fluffy beings are just wandering around minding their own business, and what do you do? You tear a path of carnage through their planet by eating them. EATING THEM! There is one Kirby and millions of other tiny creatures that Kirby eats. You are digesting them and either turning them into stars, or assimilating them and stealing their powers. John Carpenter’s The Thing has nothing on Kirby! The few creatures that do fight back are likely trying to save their own lives.